When I imagine, remember, or live right now as I am, treading steadfastly to keep my motivation above the surface of this oppressive haze; this is no romantic restless wild or a Bronte moor filled with bleakness and storms that call you out into the madness inviting acts of heroism, intrigue, and introspection. I can barely find a semblance of myself, suffocating in solitary monotony.
Still. Still, as I wait for this moment to be a small one, I know it will pass like other days/weeks/months I've spent staring into the darkness. There is life, light, hope, laughter, bright beams of goodness, that continue on around me in the periphery, almost like a dance.
At times it's overwhelming. And even when I shut the world out, to conserve all the energy I have for those that need me the most, I never close off my heart. I'm always listening, because I draw strength from the love of the those around me.
Somewhere beneath it all, there is a reason for the hope that is in me. My Foundation is sure, and strong. While I wait for the winds to change, and breath new life into the atmosphere of apathy that hangs heavy like damp despair, I may even consider a song, for someone listening will hear the songs I cannot sing.
I start to remember how this is where my weakness becomes my strength. How I've broken the cycle in the past, and how I need to write my story and remember the moments that gave me fresh air to breath. Even for a moment. Because if I can pause to help and lift another, I lose myself, I am one step closer to learning the Healer's Art.
Ultimately, I accept the invitation to work at becoming and overcoming as the Savior did. I choose Christ's manner of LIVING, rather than his manner of SUFFERING. Elder Maxwell so beautifully pointed out that with Christ it is, “suffer even as I,” or overcome even as He overcame the world.
You make me Feel Like a Natural Woman...
Let go of the Darkness
I've experienced quite a few cycles of depression and gone the rounds where obsessive thoughts and behaviors overtake my life to the point that outside intervention was required.
People that love me stepped in to kindly take my hand to help me appreciate what would be best for me and my family. It's amazing how in these moments the “natural woman” and adversarial thought patterns fight desperately to define who I am. There is no doubt in my mind and heart that these mental illnesses have refined me. They are weaknesses of my body that have become part of my spirit in an integral way, giving me greater empathy and strength. For me, anxiety inspires creativity, and ingenuity along with the ability to anticipate the needs of others.
But, there were times when I've felt an unwillingness to let go of the darkness, fears and obsessions. A selfish desire to hold on to what I believed to be a “part of who I am.” My heart remained “sick” as I continued to defer hope. (See Provers 13:12.) There is great danger when we are caught up in our “bitterness of soul” and “refuse to be comforted.” (Moses 7:44.)
Jeanie McAllister explains my transformation in thinking perfectly, “Whenever I have replaced the question, 'what does the situation require of me?' I have discovered specific actions, the doing of which has prevented my derailment and kept me pushing along the path, even in the darkness. Unmet expectations may be bitter, but I want to be better for my experiences; and the difference between bitter and better is I. I can choose not to be immersed in bitterness. Asking 'What does the situation require of me?' helps me see that I can make choices. I can control my life, even if that control extends only as far as my perceptions and attitudes." I would add that our Savior "drank from the bitter cup" so that we could "choose the better part." I'm learning that it is a spiritual gift to "drink of the bitter cup without becoming bitter."
Practicing Our Sour Faces
There came a point that I realized my anxiety, insecurities, and prolonged disappointments were setting up those I loved for failure. It became hard for my husband and children to do things in the right way, at the right time. I'm pretty sure I had a “sour face.” And I'd been practicing it. They couldn't even get a hint of bad news, or anything contradictory out before I would start to make my “sour face.” I'm sure they were afraid of it. Or at least my tell tale “sigh...”
There is/was reasonable expectation that my life will “give me lemons” (I really dislike that expression). Sometimes it's even essential for me to anticipate and prepare for that inevitability. You know your mouth is going to water, and make that face when you stick a lemon in it. But, I'm working really hard, to stop practicing my sour face. And anticipate the moments of joy. I work really hard to assume that everyone is trying their best at making something sweet out of life's lemons.
I Would Learn the Healer's Art
I've been contemplating Christ's admonition in 3 Nephi 18: 24 to "hold up your light that it may shine unto the world." Specifically, the difference between holding up my light and letting my light shine ("let your light so shine before men..."). The active participation required in "hold" verses "let."
I was also reading in John 16: 20-22 as Christ teaches with a short proverb about sorrow and joy while living in this world. He acknowledges the inevitability of adversity and empowers with promise, "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice,and your joy no man taketh from you."
Ever since President Monson encouraged us to follow the wisdom from Proverbs 4:26 “Ponder the path of thy feet,” and walk as the Savior walked, I've contemplated how I might learn the "Healer's art." As President Monson instructed us to walk the path of Jesus Christ by following his example, doing, and becoming, like the Savior, I realized that in all of the instances where he healed through miracles I always put myself in the place of the sick or afflicted. The blind, the lame, the deaf. Like in the song Amazing Grace, "was blind but now I see."
After the prophet spoke, I started thinking about the Work of Salvation, Family History and Temple work, the Healers Art, and how I need to also think about how I can put myself in the place of the Savior in those instances of healing! A role reversal. How can I help those around me to SEE, HEAR, and to WALK the path that He has shown? Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own. How can I hold up my light, just as he explains in 3 Nephi, "that which ye have seen me [Christ] do?" Always remembering with reverence that ultimately, I am NOT the Healer. Or the Comforter.
In that same chapter of 3 Nephi where Christ says to "hold up your light," he continues, "And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; even so shall ye do unto the world...for ye know that not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them, and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them."
I am trying to find a way "hold up my light" and turn my weakness into a strength. Keep my light burning, at all times, even when I feel like I am staring into darkness. I would love to help others find comfort and healing, greater light, peace and joy.
Honestly, I have so much joy, and I know that the world cannot take that from me, because the Source of that joy is my faith and my family.
I've found a beautiful active peace in my life. I'm learning that I can "seek peace, and pursue it." (Ps 34:14). Pursuing peace seems such a contradictory phrase when all other uses of the word "pursue" in the scriptures are used in reference to warfare. But, for me, the pursuit of peace describes my journey, and my vision of peace.
I'm Sunshine Huckleberry, and I have spoken. (It's an Anasazi thing...).
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI love your words.
Some poetry is meant to be read aloud, even when reading alone, so the reader can savor the subtle complexity of the music and rhythm. I find myself reading your words out loud, repeatedly. (I read the first 5 paragraphs 4 times) So delicious. Your words are so dense in meaning and rich with the flavor of your spirit and your soul. That in combination with your honesty and vulnerability make your writing very compelling. Your ability to write in a way that invites empathy (rather than sympathy) is a rare and beautiful gift. Not only a gift from God to you, but a gift from you to others. There is so much of yourself in it, yet somehow, you seem not to focus on your self at all. It inspires me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to find a way to stop clinging to darkness.
Your treatment of light and darkness is pretty timely as well as we just finished walking the Path of Light. Every day as the sun rises we learn the most fundamental lessons about light. One is that the sun WILL rise. No matter how dark the night or how cloudy the sky, the Great Light will come in its due time. Another, and maybe even more fundamental is that light chases away darkness and all of nature responds by freely letting the darkness flee. Neither the living nor the non living things cling to the darkness the way that we do. They are perfectly obedient in that way. I wonder what our world would look like if the rocks and trees decided to cling to darkness rather than light.
Also I have printed and posted the quote "what does this situation require of me" in my office. I probably will do the same at home. That is an up-coming family home evening lesson.
I see and feel the benefit of your choice to hold up your light every day.
Keep walking forward,
I am Guiding Juniper. I have spoken.
Amy, thank you for your words. They are both moving and profound. I believe they will resonate with everyone who reads them. You have a powerful way of expressing yourself!
ReplyDeleteI am an instant fan. You are not only a spectacular woman, but a most amazing writer. I appreciate your thoughts, friendship, and sensibilities. Thank you for being who you are. I feel blessed to know you.
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