The Piece of Resilience and How I Lost My Moxie on Taco Tuesday!

Have you ever lost your moxie?  Life hit me hard last week, and I lost a bit of that spring in my step. That fa la la la la, la la la la, deck the halls, and make my neighbors Christmas plates with varied assortments of pinterest worthy cookies and candies just ain't happening. I felt tired, lost, stuck, unsure, burdened, altogether wearied in well-doing. 

As the year ends, and the holidays approach, I imagine you may be feeling something similar? OR, you're totally confused inner dialogue is still stuck on the word "moxie." 

Have you ever seen "The Sound of Music?" If not, this will make no sense whatsoever. Some days I feel like I'm literally bursting with "I have confidence in sunshine! I have confidence in rain... I have confidence in confidence alone..." (what does that even mean?!)  When I loose my moxie, I'm prone to adversarial thoughts and insecurity... I start to imagine everyone (particularly my bishopric wearing nun habits) wandering around singing "How do you solve a problem like an Amy ..." 

This weekend I've been pondering the words resilience and resistant. How they apply to plants in nature. I looked up different root systems and weathering. Plants with roots that grow up through rocks, and create living ecosystems full of water and life within the stone.

When our family went out to deliver gifts for the youth in the wilderness with Anasazi Foundation last Christmas, my son Oliver noticed a plant growing out of a rock and we started studying them. Then, I searched for words within the scriptures that I thought would serve interchangeably for both resilience and resistant. 

If you've seen the LEGO movie, you are totally AWESOME. If you have not seen the LEGO movie, you should seriously consider putting that on your Christmas list. And also, SPOILER ALERT! The plot centers on the most ordinary lego person Emmet (who thinks he's a "nobody") discovering the "Piece of Resistance." The Piece of Resistance sticks permanently to him (deemed prophetic fulfillment) when, in fact, it's a Krazy Glue cap. It was hidden by Vitruvius in order to stop Lord Business from gluing the world together with the "Kragle" on Taco Tuesday!!  I won't really ruin in case you have not seen it.  Emmet discovers greatness and power are not determined by tangible items or how others define us. As CS Lewis said, "There are no ordinary people."  

I've been contemplating how I lost my own "pieces of resilience" and what those are. Resilience is most simply defined as how a person handles adversity emotionally and physically. I would add to that spiritually. Thus, I figure on having three inner "pieces of resilience."  I then started looking at the difference between being resilient and resistant. They both have admirable qualities and I've found that I need both in my life. Thus, the explanation of the stone with life. Resistance and resilience. The word "rooted" in the scriptures compares beautifully with "resilience" for purposes of application in my life.  Roots are magnificent sources of nourishment and life. Whether above or below ground, they are an anchor. The tree grows from the ground up, and "learns how to bend and sway" with the wind, but as Tolkien says, 

"All that is gold does not glitter,
 Not all those who wander are lost; 
The old that is strong does not wither, 
Deep roots are not reached by the frost." 

In Pauls letter to the Ephesians Chapter 3 he explains a similar relationship between adversity and inner strength. 

13 Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.
14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

The scriptures teach us to be "steadfast and immovable." The words of Peter are most comforting and fitting counsel with specific warning for our time, "beware lest ye also... fall from your own steadfastness." (2 Pet 2:17) How is it that I can "fall away from [my] OWN steadfastness?” What is it that weakens or hardens (paradoxically) my heart.  We all have insecurities, fight adversarial thoughts, voices, weaknesses, or perhaps even strengths, that  would cause uprooting and degeneration of spirit. But, Peter specifically refers to our day, warning against “scoffers” that will mock the Saints waiting upon the Lord, and His Second Coming. 

Too often I feel (whether real or imagined) the judgments of others holding me back from becoming more. I am not falling from my own steadfastness, but failing to be more steadfast. I want to be resistant, without rigidity. I want to stand strong with firmness and life. Again, people are very much like trees. When I returned from my “Rabbit Stick” (rite of passage for lack of better terms) out “on the trail,” I was changed. No doubt about it. I felt as though some people would actually look at me for a longer period of time scanning for evidence of that change in my demeanor. And there is often some reflection of spiritual, emotional change or development in our daily walking, and outward behaviors. 

Thus, it's in our nature to look for visual changes in others when they return from school, a mission, or a place designed to stretch, heal, or improve them.  But, speaking from a more distant place of negative insecurity and experience, I know that women (and I'm learning men as well) have a tendency to look for every inner transformation as it's manifest, exposed, processed and compartmentalized on our exteriors. Why is that? Why did I catalogue and chart my growth, as compared to others, based on physical manifestations, mere perceptions and judgements?  I have no real answer other than fear. And the anecdote is love. 

Paul teaches in the scripture above, that to be strengthened in tribulation, “with might by his Spirit in the inner man” we must be “rooted and grounded in love,” we must “know the love of Christ.” That “Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith.”  I know the Lord, who looks on the heart, is the only One who can see the real softening and growth that is happening within me as I seek the blessings of the Atonement. It's very much like the roots of a tree, and the growth that happens beneath the earth unseen when compared to the trunk, branches, and leaves. The roots require tireless effort anchored to the earth, keeping the plant nourished and settled as the branches grow toward sunlight or lay dormant in the winter. I don't have to dig them up to know that they keep the tree alive. All things happen in proper order. The tree grew from the ground up, seed and roots first. All trees grow and thrive in different climates. Sycamores are beautifully barren in the winter, all white and ghostly they shed their leaves but have a majestic and stately appearance. Evergreens are just what their name suggests.  Aspens are connected as one large system, by their roots. If the scrub oak is burned by fire, it will appear shrivelled black ash on the surface. But, below the surface natures miraculous adaptations heat the roots shooting pods with multiple seed plants to replace the ones lost in the fire. 

We only see what is above the surface. In reverse, if the roots are not thriving, or the soil does not contain the nutrients, water, or have the viability to sustain life (as parables in the scriptures suggest) the tree will not take root or survive.

The love of God, yourself, and one another, is a commitment. A covenant. A continuing conversion. A pilgrimage.  In the beginning of Forth Nephi the people “could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.” And this is because of “the love of God which did dwell in their hearts.” There was “no contention among them,” “they were one,” “every man did deal justly with another,” there were no “rich or poor,” “bond or free,” and there was peace in the land.

I love the hymn “Ring Out Wild Bells,” though I've never heard it in Sacrament Meeting. Tennyson speaks of new beginnings with wild reverence that rings with motion and modern relevance. In it I find my moxie again. 

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

With all my prattling on, even if I "loose my moxie," I have reason for the hope that is in me.  With so many reminders, sharing joy, peace, love, gratitude, adds to all of those feelings and heals my heart - keeping me rooted and grounded.  In Forth Nephi the peace and prosperity lasts for a generation. The miracles cease, and the records are hidden.  Similarly, Peter writes his epistle to stir up our minds by way of remembrance.  And today, Pres Eyring teaches with the help of Moroni, that “Remembrance is the seed of gratitude which is the seed of generosity.Gratitude for the remission of sins is the seed of charity, the pure love of Christ.  'And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God.' (Moro. 8:26.) ” 

By the end of the weekend, I could not stop singing one line from the song "Come Ye Thankful People Come."  It's a time to be gathering, and offering thanks. With the weather outside being cold and gray, I sat down Sunday morning, chilled from the walk, somewhat struck by the “cozy” size of my ward.  Settled by family in Sacrament meeting I remembered the words, "All is safely gathered in, let the winter storms begin..."

I hope in a common love of good, larger hearts, and kinder hands. I hope in the Christ that is. 

Back to the Future: Thoughts on Moroni, Son of Mormon

Many times this year my thoughts and scripture study returns to a central figure and themes surrounding his ministry. Moroni, Son of Mormon. It started early in the year after I noticed the date that he visited and tutored Joseph Smith in a reoccurring pattern that coincides the fall equinox in the weeks around September 23. This is the same time of year (even the same day/week) for the celebration of the Feast of Trumpets and the Day of Atonement in the Jewish Calendar.

After making this connection I re-read Malachi and realized how tragically the Old Testament ends. In four short books, Malachi demonstrates the fractured state of Israel as displayed in their worship and the abandonment of sacred covenants. God speaks through his prophet, “Even from the days of your fathers ye are gone away from mine ordinances, and have not kept them. Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith the Lord of hosts.” He warns them, that “my name shall be great among the Gentiles” because they offer polluted sacrifices, and keep not their covenants. The Israelites fragmented covenants are reflected in the calamities that follow. Bondage, captivity, and wars, have already scattered the Israelites culturally and geographically through the last books of the Old Testament. How often the Lord uses what seems to be a punitive consequence, trial, or refiners fire, to bring about some greater purpose. The Atonement being the most Perfect example of Agony and Love, working out our Salvation as part of a great and Eternal Plan. So to was the scattering of Israel and Abraham's seed to fulfill a greater purpose. It would place Moroni, just one of many, in the right place, to fulfill a significant work among the Nephites.

The conquest and deconstruction of Jerusalem, as the consequence of Israels broken covenants, begins during the time of the prophet Jeremiah. Simultaneously, Lehi warns of this before taking his family and fleeing Jerusalem. Such a beautiful ray of light and hope this turns out to be as it begins the Book of Mormon story for Nephi and his family in their journey to the promised land. As we see the complete record come together with the Bible and the Book of Mormon, God's Mercy shine's upon Lehi and his family providing the means for them to escape Jerusalem before its destruction. They prosper in the promised land according to their faithfulness. Jeremiah in contrast represents the Justice of God as we read about the fate of Israel, successive captivity, wars, and imperial rule. But not without the promise of later gathering. Jeremiah speaks to this in such beautiful language referencing this in our day prior to the Second Coming, “For there shall be a day, that the watchmen upon the mount Ephraim shall cry, Arise ye, and let us go up to Zion unto the Lord our God...And there is hope in thine end saith the Lord...” (Jeremiah 31).

Malachi also ends with hope:

Malachi 3: 1-3

1 Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the Lord of hosts.

 2 But who may abide the day of his coming? and who shall stand when he appeareth? for he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap:

 3 And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.

D&C 128:24 clarifies as the Latter-day Saints now fulfill these promises:

24 Behold, the great day of the Lord is at hand; and who can abide the day of his coming, and who can stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fuller’s soap; and he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness. Let us, therefore, as a church and a people, and as Latter-day Saints, offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness; and let us present in his holy temple, when it is finished, a book containing the records of our dead, which shall be worthy of all acceptation.

It is by the work of more than one messenger, that all these things come to pass. It's remarkable to witness prophecy planting seeds of promise and taking root in our in our time, as hearts turn in families with the Spirit of Elijah at work. I wonder if Moroni was bursting to enter this earthly plane and quote from Malachi when he visits Joseph for the first time:

 5 ¶Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord:

 6 And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

I imagine Moroni had a deep and profound understanding of loneliness and a significant appreciation for connection, kindred, and family. To experience loss and separation from his father Mormon, or witness the spiritual and temporal death of the Lamanites and the Nephites, whether it be through genocide and wickedness, and then fear for his own life hiding out the rest of his days. To leave the family of God cut off from each other, from God, unsealed by the power of the Priesthood, would leave the Earth in its purpose of creation “utterly wasted.”

Moroni explains in the Book of Mormon that he has seen our day, and knows our doings. And Elijah, his spirit, is the one who connects all of this, all of the Family of God and the seed of Abraham, together. Not only by increasing desire and turning hearts, so that we "come to a knowledge of our fathers," but so that Joseph would have the sealing power restored in preparation of the Second Coming of Jesus Christ." As well as other priesthood keys necessary for the work of the restoration, such as the Keys for the Gathering of Israel (held by Moses), and the Keys of the Stick of Ephraim (held by Moroni). (D&C 27)

Moroni's inclusion of the Sacrament Prayer at the end of the Book of Mormon has always been curious to me. Almost an afterthought? Or, rather, an inspired inclusion because even though he had “supposed not to have written more,” Moroni finds that he has “not as yet perished” and makes very good use of this time to write in his wanderings. And thus, his life is prolonged. As I consider the connection with the Feast of Trumpets, the Day of Atonement, and the last sacrifice offered in the Old Testament by the Israelites I'm led to wonder how this relates to me. What are we to understand from this in our day? It's also included in the Doctrine in Covenants. Modern revelation could provide the words for the ordinance of the Sacrament. Why does Moroni speak this to us from the dust, at the very end? And why specifically mention that it may be “of worth unto my brethren, the Lamanites, in some future day, according to the will of the Lord?” Finally, how does it relate to the rest of Moroni's discourses?

Starting with what we know. We know that Moroni saw the scattering, destruction or demise of three other groups of people. In the abridged record he leaves references and records to all three of these peoples. The Israelites, referenced and called upon beautifully in Moroni 10:31 to “Awake and arise from the dust, O Jeruselem...” The Nephites (his own people) as prophesied, cycled through pride again and again, visited by the Savior Jesus Christ, and once again plummeted into social decay and moral degradation. And another group whose record Moroni includes next to his own at the end of the Book of Mormon. The Jaradites. I imagine Moroni seeing the parallels, and finding comfort in the brief words of Ether. The other wandering prophet like himself. A record keeper, and last of his people, living out his days alone in the same brutal landscape.

Moroni's special witness, and devastating insight gives him something no other prophet ever experienced. A third chance. The prophetic opportunity to prevent our demise. He not only knows from sad experience what destroyed the Nephites, over and over again. He witnessed the Lamanites annihilate them. Two people destroyed through wickedness. He reads the account of the Jaredites, and understands how the pattern repeats itself. And so it comes to our day. For as we know, we were shown unto Moroni and he “knows our doings”

Have you ever stopped to consider how this could be? Have you ever considered how the Lord tutors his prophets? Remember how Nephi is taken up into the mountain where the angel or a personage says “Look!” and he witnesses different moments in history, time, even the “condescension of the Lord,” and is caught up again and transported to another. Or Moses sees the burning bush, after he confronts Satan, and as he hears the voice of the Lord “still speaking, he cast his eyes and beheld the earth, yea, even all of it, and there was not a particle of it which he did not behold, discerning it by the spirit of God.” How is it that Moroni new our day? And what does he have to say to us? What patterns did Moroni identify to prevent our own downfall or the “calamity” of our times? (D&C 1:17)

First, remember that upon Mormon's death, Moroni begins Mormon 8 a timid record keeper. He is obedient, to the commandment of his father, but finds himself with “with few things to write.” “Condemn not my imperfections,” he asks the reader, explaining later concerns with his “weakness in writing,” especially when he feels that the Lord has not made him “mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared.” The whole first section of his own record are tender, and tragic. Full of despair, and conclusion. “I remain alone to write the sad tale of the destruction of my people....therefore I will write and hide up the records in the earth and whither I go it mattereth not.” At this point, Moroni is out of ore, and since he is “alone” without “friends” and does not know “how long the Lord with suffer that” he will live, he concludes his writings in Mormon 8:13. He buries the record. This could very well be the end of the Book of Mormon?

It is also at this point, that something happens to Moroni. Reading between the lines of vs 13 and 14 Moroni experiences a character arc of prophetic magnitude. He has renewed purpose and vision to keep him (and us) from perishing. From Mormon 8:22-23 we know that Moroni understands the covenants and promises that God made with Abraham and the fathers, and that the “eternal purposes”of the Lord shall be fulfilled. In vs 34-35 Moroni speaks directly to us, all of our world today. After he buried the plates, and left them in the earth, he received a vision. And something in that vision cast his perspective into an eternal round. It changed Moroni, and turned his heart toward us in the future, and his fathers; meaning all those who settled the promised land in the Americas all the way back to Abraham and beyond. With the expressed conclusion being a greater desire for us to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him.”

And so, Moroni despairing, without ore, the last of his people and fearing for his life, came back to retrieve the plates and write! Knowing how to prevent needless suffering with faith, hope, charity, and meekness, crying repentance with a clear and fervent understanding in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, reminding us today of the importance of renewing our covenants each week as we partake of the sacrament, and calling to strengthen our stakes in Zion to withstand the the calamity which we know from Joseph Smith (D&C 1:17) is to come upon the inhabitants of the earth. For “Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold Jesus Christ has shown you unto me and I know your doing. And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts.”

By September 1823, Moroni now a resurrected being, had already or seen our day. Somehow, in whatever way Jesus Christ, the risen Lord, tutored and prepared him to return to the plates, and continue writing in his wanderings. Moroni, Son of Mormon, got to come back to the future (our day) to fulfill many promises. To live prophecy, with the coming forth or the Book of Mormon, and the restoration of the priesthood and New and Everlasting Covenant. It is by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, obedience to His Everlasting Gospel and the covenants and ordinances therein, that we find good company, safety, and peace in our future wanderings.

To Call Myself a Poet

                     To Call Myself a Poet

              To call myself a poet
              and live. For Perfect Love

              commands creation and seeks

              correction from the Word
              without insecurity.

                              

                  (1 John 4: 4-21) 

              

            

Is There Darkness in My Soul Today?- Guidance From the Most Wonderful Counselor

Have you ever felt nothing? The clock-ticking, eye-blurring, mind wasting, soul numbing, eat everything because salt has lost it's savor kind of nothingness? Have you felt like your spirit was drowning somewhere between sinking marshes and a mental fog of inversion?
 
When I imagine, remember, or live right now as I am, treading steadfastly to keep my motivation above the surface of this oppressive haze; this is no romantic restless wild or a Bronte moor filled with bleakness and storms that call you out into the madness inviting acts of heroism, intrigue, and introspection. I can barely find a semblance of myself, suffocating in solitary monotony.
 
Still. Still, as I wait for this moment to be a small one, I know it will pass like other days/weeks/months I've spent staring into the darkness. There is life, light, hope, laughter, bright beams of goodness, that continue on around me in the periphery, almost like a dance. 
 
At times it's overwhelming. And even when I shut the world out, to conserve all the energy I have for those that need me the most, I never close off my heart. I'm always listening, because I draw strength from the love of the those around me.
 
Somewhere beneath it all, there is a reason for the hope that is in me. My Foundation is sure, and strong. While I wait for the winds to change, and breath new life into the atmosphere of apathy that hangs heavy like damp despair, I may even consider a song, for someone listening will hear the songs I cannot sing.
 
I start to remember how this is where my weakness becomes my strength. How I've broken the cycle in the past, and how I need to write my story and remember the moments that gave me fresh air to breath. Even for a moment. Because if I can pause to help and lift another, I lose myself, I am one step closer to learning the Healer's Art.
 
Ultimately, I accept the invitation to work at becoming and overcoming as the Savior did. I choose Christ's manner of LIVING, rather than his manner of SUFFERING. Elder Maxwell so beautifully pointed out that with Christ it is, “suffer even as I,” or overcome even as He overcame the world.
 
You make me Feel Like a Natural Woman...   
                                         Let go of the Darkness
I've experienced quite a few cycles of depression and gone the rounds where obsessive thoughts and behaviors overtake my life to the point that outside intervention was required. 
 
People that love me stepped in to kindly take my hand to help me appreciate what would be best for me and my family. It's amazing how in these moments the “natural woman” and adversarial thought patterns fight desperately to define who I am. There is no doubt in my mind and heart that these mental illnesses have refined me. They are weaknesses of my body that have become part of my spirit in an integral way, giving me greater empathy and strength. For me, anxiety inspires creativity, and ingenuity along with the ability to anticipate the needs of others.
 
But, there were times when I've felt an unwillingness to let go of the darkness, fears and obsessions. A selfish desire to hold on to what I believed to be a “part of who I am.” My heart remained “sick” as I continued to defer hope. (See Provers 13:12.) There is great danger when we are caught up in our “bitterness of soul” and “refuse to be comforted.” (Moses 7:44.)
 
Jeanie McAllister explains my transformation in thinking perfectly, “Whenever I have replaced the question, 'what does the situation require of me?' I have discovered specific actions, the doing of which has prevented my derailment and kept me pushing along the path, even in the darkness. Unmet expectations may be bitter, but I want to be better for my experiences; and the difference between bitter and better is I. I can choose not to be immersed in bitterness. Asking 'What does the situation require of me?' helps me see that I can make choices. I can control my life, even if that control extends only as far as my perceptions and attitudes." I would add that our Savior "drank from the bitter cup" so that we could "choose the better part." I'm learning that it is a spiritual gift to "drink of the bitter cup without becoming bitter." 

Practicing Our Sour Faces

 
There came a point that I realized my anxiety, insecurities, and prolonged disappointments were setting up those I loved for failure. It became hard for my husband and children to do things in the right way, at the right time. I'm pretty sure I had a “sour face.” And I'd been practicing it. They couldn't even get a hint of bad news, or anything contradictory out before I would start to make my “sour face.” I'm sure they were afraid of it. Or at least my tell tale “sigh...” 

There is/was reasonable expectation that my life will “give me lemons” (I really dislike that expression). Sometimes it's even essential for me to anticipate and prepare for that inevitability. You know your mouth is going to water, and make that face when you stick a lemon in it. But, I'm working really hard, to stop practicing my sour face. And anticipate the moments of joy. I work really hard to assume that everyone is trying their best at making something sweet out of life's lemons.
 
I Would Learn the Healer's Art
I've been contemplating Christ's admonition in 3 Nephi 18: 24 to "hold up your light that it may shine unto the world." Specifically,  the difference between holding up my light and letting my light shine ("let your light so shine before men..."). The active participation required in "hold" verses "let."  

I was also reading in John 16: 20-22 as Christ teaches with a short proverb about sorrow and joy while living in this world. He acknowledges the inevitability of adversity and empowers with promise, "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice,and your joy no man taketh from you."
 
Ever since President Monson encouraged us to follow the wisdom from Proverbs 4:26 “Ponder the path of thy feet,” and walk as the Savior walked, I've contemplated how I might learn the "Healer's art." As President Monson instructed us to walk the path of Jesus Christ by following his example, doing, and becoming, like the Savior, I realized that in all of the instances where he healed through miracles I always put myself in the place of the sick or afflicted. The blind, the lame, the deaf. Like in the song Amazing Grace, "was blind but now I see."

After the prophet spoke, I started thinking about the Work of Salvation, Family History and Temple work, the Healers Art, and how I need to also think about how I can put myself in the place of the Savior in those instances of healing!  A role reversal. How can I help those around me to SEE, HEAR, and to WALK the path that He has shown? Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own.  How can I hold up my light, just as he explains in 3 Nephi, "that which ye have seen me [Christ] do?"  Always remembering with reverence that ultimately, I am NOT the Healer. Or the Comforter. 

In that same chapter of 3 Nephi where Christ says to "hold up your light," he continues, "And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; even so shall ye do unto the world...for ye know that not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them, and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them." 
I am trying to find a way "hold up my light" and turn my weakness into a strength. Keep my light burning, at all times, even when I feel like I am staring into darkness. I would love to help others find comfort and healing, greater light, peace and joy.

Honestly, I have so much joy, and I know that the world cannot take that from me, because the Source of that joy is my faith and my family. 

I've found a beautiful active peace in my life. I'm learning that I can "seek peace, and pursue it." (Ps 34:14). Pursuing peace seems such a contradictory phrase when all other uses of the word "pursue" in the scriptures are used in reference to warfare. But, for me, the pursuit of peace describes my journey, and my vision of peace. 
 
I'm Sunshine Huckleberry, and I have spoken. (It's an Anasazi thing...).  

Oli Board the Worry Train

Written entirely by my six year old son last night in anticipation of going to school. He said he hopes that when he's finished illustrating it, his dad (a therapist) can take it to work and help others understand their worries. 

I told him that we need to find a more complete ending first...

 

 The Worry Train

It all started when I was a baby. And I was three.

The worry train. It's made of metal.

I think of one worry, and then I think of all the worries.

The train cars hold all of the worries. My biggest worry drives The Worry Train. But DON'T ask me what it is! Because I don't know.

I have a lot of big worries, but can't figure out which one is the biggest. Kind of like how I have a lot of favorite colors, but I can't figure out my favorite one.

The first worry that hops on The Worry Train is the biggest one. When the biggest worry says,“All aboard!” the other worries hop on and it starts going around

 in a circle in my head. 

 If one worry hops on The Worry Train, all the worries hop on The Worry Train. The worries start telling all the worries in my head, “Hey want to come on the worry train!?” But it never gets them anywhere. They just like going around for fun. Like a roller coaster.

And sometimes it gets bigger. So all the worries in my head can see it. And when I'm having a really, really, really, really bad time and The Worry Train is really going fast a lot...

...it makes a worry tornado.

Sometimes it breaks down because I'm having fun and I forget about my worries. And sometimes the bad worries are trapped in jail by my good worries.

How Great the Wisdom and the Love is... on Valentines Day

A couple years ago I taught a lesson on the Plan of Salvation as outlined in the scriptures. We discussed the epic nature of it all, how it's a journey narrative, on a scale that surpasses anything like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or the most grand adventures our wandering minds as strangers and pilgrims can imagine.  I divided it up into a trilogy. The War in Heaven (ends with incomprehensible tragedy), Earth the Temporal Frontier (we have yet to see the end of this episode), and Armageddon/To Infinity and Beyond... (You get the idea?).

I had someone (Bro Young to be specific) make the comment about how it almost plays out like a love story. The Savior being the Hero, and the Atonement being the ultimate sacrifice and redemption. Love has the power to transform every character in the story. This story is my story. Your story? This life is about learning to love. Charity. About watching others use their agency and loving them in-spite of their choices. It's about love. EPIC love.

So this is my Valentine compliments of an elect lady, Eliza “rocks my world” Snow. A few verses from one of my favorite hymns about the Plan of Happiness, and God's heroic and all-encompassing wisdom and love.

 

How great the wisdom and the love

That filled the courts on high

And sent the Savior from above

To suffer, bleed, and die!

He marked the path and led the way,

And ev'ry point defines

To light and life and endless day

Where God's full presence shines.

How great, how glorious, how complete

Redemption's grand design,

Where justice, love, and mercy meet

In harmony divine!

Play Well With Others and Pursue Peace

In The Republic (The Great Dialogues of Plato), Plato uses Socratic dialogue to identify “opinion” as the middle ground between ignorance and knowledge.  In a debate with Glaucon, Socrates classifies "lovers of opinion" and "lovers of knowledge" and continues to describe many individuals content with the pursuit of opinion. In Books V-VI, Plato connects this discussion to politics, and even points to the necessity of having trusted sources of opinion when there is limited access to wisdom, truth and knowledge.

Jumping forward about 2400 years, I wonder if social media is our modern substitute for "opinion?"  My wondering is not meant to suggest that social media does not serve a magnificent purpose. Indeed, I now make my peace and compartmentalize my “opinion” as I launch it compactly into a blogspot burial ground of the world wide web. But, the questions Plato asks through Socrates are even more relevant today. We live in a time when access to knowledge is ever increasing. I invite you to ask yourself... Am I a lover of opinion or a lover of knowledge? Who are my trusted SOURCES? Are they sources of opinion or knowledge? And how do I know? What is the TONE and feeling of my sources? How much TIME do I spend seeking out opinion vs knowledge? Do I JUDGE OTHERS for their choice of source? Do I judge others for their love of knowledge vs opinion?

Even earlier than Plato and Socrates, Marcus Aurelius offers a warning about the wasted occupation of “overcurious” or “malignant” thoughts about other people. If we are consumed by such thoughts and they not used for some purpose or “utility,” especially the over-curious ones, then we loose the chance of doing something else, or even waste the remainder of our lives. (I acknowledge, that oftentimes, social media is used to uplift, connect and inspire.)

As I slowly make my own study of different scriptures, philosophical ideas, literature, and history, I find that listening with real intent to the STORIES AND EXPERIENCES OF OTHERS can also yield a marvelous source of truth and wisdom. In this exercise, the continual pursuit of greater truth, light and knowledge are connected to the PURSUIT of happiness and PEACE. But, sharing goodness and knowledge can only be done with charity, something that social media often lacks. To the Corinthians Paul says,

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-2)

Without doubt, there is a remarkable need for social media and connectivity. A hunger and longing for emotional validation and security that finds online satisfaction. I'm constantly trying to understand the expansion of a “woman's sphere of influence” (particularly among LDS women) and how I can fulfill the measure of my creation. Why would I want to be one more voice?  What makes me special? How does technology and the capacity to share and extend my reach into the virtual world impact the nature of the outcome? Will I drown in a world wide web of "sounding brass" or "tinkling cymbal?"

After his discourse on Charity, Paul continues at the end of 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13:

 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Paul is explaining after this life we will all look back with spiritual wisdom and hopefully a greater capacity to love. We won't need Hope or Faith in God in the temporal sense that we do now. The only thing we will have left, and need more than ever is Charity, and the will to apply it,  as we are at one with the Father and Jesus Christ. We will understand that we only understood as a child. That we only knew in part. That we saw through a glass darkly.

I hope The Playdough Dialogues provides a gathering place (I would always rather host "face to face" interaction) where charity and knowledge guides the peaceful pursuit of great books, music, philosophy, mental health and spiritual understanding. A belonging place that acknowledges the power of individual experience. That insight lends credence and testimony to all that surrounds us. A community where hearts are turned by the power of stories, and love. Joseph Smith Jr taught, “If I esteem mankind to be in error, shall I bear them down? No. I will lift them up, and in their own way too, if I cannot persuade them my way is better; and I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do, only by the force of reasoning, for truth will cut its own way.” Smith, History of the Church, 5:499.

To answer my own questions: I am special and my voice matters. Not necessarily to everyone. Or even a great number of people. But, to me that is irrelevant. Truth is something I gather and share with love. Regardless of being “liked” or “shared.” If I “pause to help and lift another,” then I am satisfied. I am a seeker, both a lover of knowledge and at times, lover of opinion. We learn from every part of life, and everyone we meet. Tennyson's words ring true, “I am part of all that I have met.” That is my greatness, and what I hope to share.

It is all to easy to succumb to self deprecation, sarcasm, and cynicism. To prevent negative entanglement in webs of opinion and speculation, Paul and Moroni suggest counter measures. Charity, as explained, being the ultimate virtue that “is not easily provoked” and “rejoiceth in truth.” But, Moroni adds meekness as part of the foundational essence of charity.

And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart. . . .

. . . For none is acceptable before God, save the meek . . . ; and if a man be meek . . . , he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing. (Moroni 7:43–44)

I make no distinction between teacher and learner. If we all stand willing to learn new things, and correct our understanding, that is when we achieve the most growth. My twelve year old son illustrated the need for meekness, and his desperation for me to listen during an argument a couple weeks ago. Before he could stop himself, he became so frustrated that he blurted out, “I don't care anymore! I just want to be right!” In contrast John Ruskin, a 19th-century philanthropist said,

“I believe the first test of a truly great man is his humility. I do not mean, by humility, doubt of his own power, or hesitation in speaking of his opinions; but a right understanding of the relation between what he can do and say, and the rest of the world’s sayings and doings.” [“Of Modern Landscape,” Modern Painters, vol. III (1856), part IV, chapter 16; emphasis in original]

Russel T Osguthorpe, former General President of the Sunday School for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints wraps this all up in a devotional “What if Love Were Our Only Motive?” He provides Jesus Christ as a pattern for our teaching, and explains that our words have power, even to give or take away life from the receiver. 

We are all on our way to somewhere. We are all making our way forward in life. We may be looking forward to marriage, or, if we’re married, we may be looking forward to having our first child. We might be looking forward to graduate school or to entering the workforce. We are always on our way to somewhere. My first mission was in Tahiti. I love the way Tahitians greet each other. The literal meaning of their greeting word—ia ora na—means “life to you” or “that you might live.” We are either giving life or taking life from each other as we move forward on our way.

Harsh words take life away from the one who receives them and even from the one who utters them. But words spoken in love give life. The student who approached me in the library gave me life. This happened again yesterday. Someone asked me if I was speaking at the devotional; that action gave me life, gave me a little boost, just by saying hello. The resident assistant gave life to the freshman and actually to me as well. The home teacher and Relief Society president gave life to my brother-in-law, Steve. President Monson gave life to every young person he greeted in the Conference Center that evening. And Elder Nelson gave life to those Church leaders he called by name. What if all the words we spoke were motivated by love?

The Savior’s life on earth was short, but He was always reaching out in love every step of the way. He helped so many while He was on His way to help someone else. He noticed what others needed, reached out to them, and helped them—sometimes in simple ways and other times in miraculous ways. Every miracle He performed, every word He spoke, He did out of love.

He loved those He taught. He cared for their spiritual well-being, but He also cared for their temporal needs. When they were hungry, He fed them with five loaves. When their souls hungered, He inspired them with the truths of His gospel.

He cared for those who lost their way. He cared enough to find them and bring them home. He never forgot one of His own.

He loved the young. He loved the rich. He loved the poor. He loved the sick. He loved the sinner. He loved all of God’s children. When He saw them suffering, He healed them. When He saw them sorrowing, He lifted them up. When He saw them in pain, He comforted them.

His life on the earth was an example of what it means to do good. But it was also a singular example of what it means to do good for the right reason. Every act of the Savior on earth was done out of love. Even in the great premortal council His offer to the Father was motivated by love for others, while the adversary’s was motivated by selfishness. The Savior’s mission was to give us life by allowing us to choose to love the Lord and follow Him. (See Moses 4:1–3.) The adversary’s goal was to take away our agency and thereby make it impossible for us to love, because it is impossible to love unless we choose to love. Love must come from within. It cannot be forced upon us. So for purposes of his own selfish aims, the adversary would have made it impossible for us to keep the first two commandments. He would have made us into nothing.

Christ had a clear mission in mortality. He came to earth to save each of us. He knew how His life on earth would end and how His act of love for us would change everything. Each of us has a clear mission as well, but, like the Savior, we need to remain open to the needs of others we pass along the way. Our calendars can never be so packed that we don’t have room to show love to those around us.

We are studying the New Testament this year in Sunday School. This book of scripture is a story of love—the love of the Father for the Son and the love They have for each of us. We cannot fully comprehend this love. But we can feel it. We cannot fully emulate it. But we can “pray . . . with all the energy of heart” that we might be filled with it (Moroni 7:48). It is a love that transcends all of our mortal experience. It is a love that lifts and builds and strengthens, that calms and comforts us. The only way for us to increase our capacity to love in this way is to feel the love our Father in Heaven and His Son have for us. The more we feel Their love for us, the more we will increase our capacity to share that love with others.

The Savior never stopped teaching us this lesson of love. Even among His final words were words of love. Even when He was on the cross and ready to complete His mission, He reached out in love to those who were literally taking His life: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Even when He was suffering more pain than any of us can imagine, He still had love for those around Him, including the very people who were nailing His body to the cross.

The Savior is our example in everything—not only in what we should do but why we should do it. His life on earth was a life of invitation to us—to raise our sights a little higher, to forget our own problems and reach out to others. I know that we are all loved by God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. Their love is infinite and eternal. I know that They live. I bear witness of that. I know that They are mindful of our needs. They have called prophets in this dispensation to help us learn what we need to learn to return to Their presence. They have given us the scriptures to guide us. They have given all this because They love us. My prayer is that we will feel that love every minute of every day and that we will share that love with everyone in our path.

Welcome to The Playdough Dialogues. More later on the pursuit of peace...